Emotional Burden
Introduction: The Pain of a Confession
Caring for a mother, father, or loved one diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, or a similar neurological disease means being immersed in complex emotions that words can hardly describe. And at some point, most of us quietly whisper this question to ourselves: “Am I enough?” The guilt that follows quickly becomes a hidden, heavy, and often unshared burden for many caregivers.
Sometimes, when your patience runs thin, when you raise your voice to your mother, when you want to take a break or set aside a few hours for yourself… Sometimes, there may be no reason at all for this feeling to gnaw inside. This article is written to discuss where guilt comes from, what it means, and how we can cope with this feeling for both our own well-being and that of our loved ones. We wanted to start by helping you feel accompanied and less alone.
Guilt: Why Is It So Common Among Caregivers?
Scientific studies on caregivers have shown that one of the most prominent emotional burdens during the care process is the feeling of guilt. In a 2021 study, about 44% of caregivers for Alzheimer’s patients reported regularly experiencing guilt (1). The same study underlines that guilt can be exacerbated by unmet expectations, societal pressures, and feelings of burnout.
Guilt is often triggered by the following reasons:
Feeling inadequate: Wanting to be more patient and attentive despite challenges, yet feeling you can’t reach that ideal.
Neglecting your own needs: Feeling "selfish" for wanting to take a break, make time to rest, or continue your social life.
Reconciling with the past: Carrying the remorse of hurtful words or conflicts that occurred before the illness appeared.
Delegating care or talking about it: Bringing up options for institutional care, needing help, or sharing your caregiving load with someone else.
The Science Behind Guilt: "Caregiver Syndrome" and Its Psychological Effects
Guilt often merges with high responsibility, a sense of loss, and social expectations. The condition described in the scientific literature as "caregiver burden" is frequently accompanied by depression, anxiety, and even physical health problems (2).
The psychological root of guilt is connected to a desire not to harm loved ones and to care for them as best as possible. But here, a paradox arises: how realistic is the idealized image of the “perfect caregiver”? Expert psychologists highlight that the "perfect caregiver" does not exist; the true goal is to offer support with good intentions and in a sustainable way (3).
Breaking Free from the Perfection Trap
Especially in society or within families, there are strong cultural expectations around giving care, particularly for mothers or close relatives. "Doing your best" is often equated with "sacrificing everything." However, no human can provide care with the same energy and attention all the time, without ever running out emotionally or physically.
Some important scientific findings:
60% of caregivers sometimes feel emotionally exhausted (4).
Caregivers with very heavy responsibilities experience depression and anxiety 2–3 times more than the general population (5).
Feeling guilt indicates sensitivity toward loved ones. However, not being able to manage this feeling increases the risk of chronic stress and illness (6).
Ways to Cope With Guilt
Remember, every feeling—including guilt—has a message for you. Sometimes, it arises to protect a part of you or to help set boundaries. If over time it becomes unmanageable, both you and your loved one you care for may be negatively affected.
Notice and Name Your Emotion
Instead of suppressing or ignoring guilt, ask yourself: "Why do I feel this way?" Writing about your feelings in a journal, sharing them with someone, or expressing them out loud can be empowering first steps.
Set Realistic Standards
Remember that every caregiver gets tired, angry, and is human. Instead of striving for perfection, doing your best with what you have is enough. Remind yourself of this often.
It Is Your Right to Set Boundaries
There is no need to feel guilty about taking care of your own needs or asking for and accepting help. Setting boundaries prevents your own burnout and improves the quality of care you provide.
Don’t Hesitate to Seek Support
Talking with family members, friends, professional counselors, or support groups for caregivers is a good opportunity to share your feelings. Seeing others with similar experiences reduces the sense of isolation.
Be Kind to Yourself
Sometimes, you need to offer yourself the same compassion you would give to your loved one. Reminding yourself "I am human too" can be a healing step.
In Difficult Moments: Practices to Relieve a Guilt Crisis
Breathe deeply, take a short break: Focusing on your breath to notice that the feeling is temporary can provide instant relief.
Recall your good deeds: What have you done for your mother recently? A smile, a glance, some help… Sometimes, these are the greatest gifts.
Catch negative inner voices: Try to turn "I am a bad child/caregiver" into a more positive and realistic inner voice: "You’re doing the best you can."
Set small goals: Even sharing care or carving out an hour a week for yourself can make a big difference.
“Don’t feel guilty for doing something for yourself; putting the oxygen mask on yourself first will let you have breath to give your mother.”
Acceptance and Forgiveness: What Do Those Who Develop a Healthy Relationship With Guilt Do?
Caregivers adopt two key strategies in coping with guilt:
Acceptance:
They accept guilt not as a harmful enemy, but as a part of life. That way, the feeling doesn’t become a constant battle.
Self-Forgiveness:
They recognize that making mistakes, losing patience, or getting tired are natural outcomes of being human. By forgiving themselves, they find peace.
Remember: in the most human form of caregiving, there is an inevitable mix of love, struggle, moments of inadequacy, confusion, and trying again.
You Are Not Alone: Sharing the Guilt
Most family caregivers can’t share these feelings with people around them at first, nor find the courage to seek help. Yet studies show that sharing emotions and receiving social support can significantly reduce burnout (7).
Your feelings do not diminish the value of your care. The more you accept your own humanity and complexity, the better you’ll be able to support yourself—and, in turn, your mother—with compassion.
Final Words: Show Yourself Some Compassion
Your mother’s illness and its losses bring great pain and uncertainty to many of our lives. Yet your effort, patience, and love are priceless. No matter how much you wish otherwise, it may not always be possible to avoid exhaustion, staying cheerful, or understanding all the time.
Guilt isn’t there just to weigh you down; it can be a signpost for building a healthier relationship with yourself, your mother, and with life.
Let yourself approach yourself with love sometimes. Never forget you aren’t alone on every step of this path.
Resources
1. Zarit SH, Femia EE. (2021). "Aging, Caregiving, and Everyday Life." Annual Review of Gerontology and Geriatrics.
2. Adelman RD et al. (2014). "Caregiver burden: a clinical review." JAMA.
3. Reichman WE, et al. (2022). "The right way to care for caregivers." Neurology Advances.
4. Pinquart M, Sörensen S. (2003). "Differences between caregivers and noncaregivers in psychological health and physical health." Psychology and Aging.
5. Papastavrou E, et al. (2011). "Caregiver burden and depressive symptoms of family caregivers of persons with dementia." Aging & Mental Health.
6. Schulz R, Sherwood PR. (2008). "Physical and mental health effects of family caregiving." American Journal of Nursing.
7. Brodaty H, Donkin M. (2009). "Family caregivers of people with dementia." Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience.
Bir Sonraki Okuma
